Today's one of the worst, I thought about quitting.

If only I could finally digest what I'm feeling and tell you when I have figured it out

If only I could ask you the right questions and you answer them directly

If only we could get a closure

I'm tired, I'm weary

I know I have been able to take myself out of this unrest repeatedly, but I'm getting tired of the loop

What should I do?

There are things in life that we cannot fix. We cannot mend some things that are broken no matter how long and  hard we try.

You had to choose. You can't have both.

I'd like to keep things the way they are now. I don't want you to tell me how guilty you still are, it really doesn't matter. What's done is done. I honestly do not like hearing that you're miserable. You chose (and still choose) to be in that position, I believe I can't save you. 

I'd like to clear up one thing though: I have no intentions of ruining whatever's happening in your life right now. I really don't care at all. 

I had this conversation with a friend about a situation similar to ours. I get my friend's point that you have the right to be happy. Yes, I have nothing against that. You can be happy. I'm giving you my blessing if this is ever necessary. But the point is you have broken something between us, something that is also important, and it's beyond repair.

Let's keep things civil between us. I don't want to be explaining things all over again because what I have told you sums up everything that is true about what I'm feeling. Well, maybe I haven't included this part. Please respect the space, this is the least you can do.

Bakit kelangang ako ang laging lugi? Kelan pa ba ako mananalo?

I had to do it. I'm sorry.

Home

- The urge to leave is now getting stronger. I need to stay strong.

- I guess I have heard the best reason why I should forget and move on.

- I miss my friends so much. The company here is different.

- Maybe I should entertain the idea of permanent residency, if I really do want to pursue the career.

- The comfort is beyond compare.

Obviously, I'm torn.

Maybe I should just focus all my energy to fulfilling my ambitions. I'm already tired of thinking about what ifs that don't even translate into reality. They are just hindering me from taking bolder steps in pursuing my goals. These things must be left behind. Regrets will haunt me for sure, but I would regret it more if I choose to stay.

The need to regroup

Direction

Motivation

Inspiration

Focus

Discipline

How could you stage up that kind of drama just to get their sympathy?

How could you pollute their minds?

How could you come back to their lives as if nothing ever happened?

You know that I know the truth that's why you will never EVER get me to forgive you.

You just ruined what's left of us. You ruined them.

I don't know what's running into your minds. If you're planning to hurt us, please, we have had enough.

They are better off without you.

I will make them hate you.

And to you who's behind this, will you just get the f*ck out of our lives?!

Nobody notices, nobody knows.

She thoughtfully listens to everyone's woes and musings while she keeps her pains inside.

She laughs hard at every joke while deep inside she's deeply hurting.

She has company but she still feels extremely lonely.

Nobody knows, nobody notices, and she thinks nobody bothers to care.

December used to be the warmest month of my year, but this year, it's going to be different. My Christmas will be as cold as winter.

Nandiyan na sa harapan mo, Laine, ayaw mo pang maniwala? Ano pa bang hinihintay mo, himala?

Kung may kahihinatnan yung sa kanila, siguradong meron din sa amin. Pero malabo, mukhang wala nga.

Pagbibigyan pa ba?

Tama na, Laine, baka matuluyan ka't mahulog.

Sana

Kung babalik ka pa hanggang kailan kaya?

You, You and You

1. I think everything's a mistake. I should have kept my thoughts because things didn't go quite well. I just want things to be normal, I don't like the awkwardness, and I don't want it to linger and haunt us (or me) forever.

2. Two nights ago, I had this crazy thought: I'll give this a chance. I know I have been very vocal about not considering the possibility because I am determined not to but due to some "divine intervention", I'm opening the doors. It's up to you if you're going to take matters seriously. Things will be much harder to work out, and consistency is very important. As to how long I'll be entertaining this idea, I don't know. As I've said, this is just a crazy thought and when I come back to my senses, maybe I'll change my mind.

3. It's amazing how you pop out from silence. You really know when I need you. I hope I can talk to you soon because I'm in need of a devil's advocate. You know these things better than anyone else because you were there when things fell apart. I need you to remind me about how awful the experience was for me.

This is torture, emotional suicide. Somebody save me.

Day 15- Put your (iPod) mp3 player on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Beautiful Surprise - India Arie

Your Smiling Face - James Taylor

Zoom - Fat Larry's Band

The Show - Lenka

Stick Around - Azure

Shakespeare In Love - Layla Kaylif

I Don't Want To Know - Glee

One Less Bell To Answer/A House Is Not A Home - Glee

Dreams - Glee

Please Don't Stop The Music - Rihanna

Am I underachieving? Am I not fit for this? I haven't been passionate about everything.

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

I knew about Blogger a long, long time ago, when my friend made me visit her blog. Last year, I decided to create an account here in Blogger because I wanted to have a more public blog, as I used to have private ones.

I feel empty. I feel like I'm always the last option, the weakest link. I feel unappreciated that even my biggest accomplishments seem to be very ordinary. I feel small, unrecognized.

More, I need to do more, to be better.